"The Guys' Rules"

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Robbie
Hall of Famer
Posts: 8380
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2004 10:13 pm
Location: 卑詩體育館或羅渣士體育館

Continued research has disclosed new sex-linked traits in adult humans. Latest findings from our labs indicate the following dif- ferences which will help you to tell men and women apart in the dark without resorting to the sort of behavior that Miss Manners finds objectionable.

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi- regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.


Making friends:
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things to- gether, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or psych- iatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimen- tality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a jerk, I guess you're OK."


Sex:
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morn- ing, or maybe both if he's under 30. The average woman would like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the fore- play.


Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.


Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.


Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.


Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.


Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, tooth- paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.


Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopp- ing. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her make- up...


Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't look- ing, men kick cats.


Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys avaitor glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.


The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.


Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.


Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.


Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.


David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.


Clothes:
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.

Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.


Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.


Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!


Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.


Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.


Plants:
A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.


Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".


Shoes:
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.


Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.


Nicknames:
With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.


Eating:
A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.

A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.


Car repair:
The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be fixed without special tools".

The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than the typical male.


Trust:
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her OTHER friends, however.

The average man won't say anything if he knows that one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.


Driving:A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price their policies accordingly.

A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup.


Shopping:
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally ac- complished his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.

Women shop to relax.


Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.


Eating out:
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.


Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."


Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.


Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.


Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."


Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.
User avatar
Robbie
Hall of Famer
Posts: 8380
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2004 10:13 pm
Location: 卑詩體育館或羅渣士體育館

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *beeotch* would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
祝加拿大加式足球聯賽不列颠哥伦比亚卑詩雄獅隊今年贏格雷杯冠軍。此外祝溫哥華加人隊贏總統獎座·卡雲斯·甘保杯·史丹利盃。還每年祝溫哥華白頭浪隊贏美國足球大联盟杯。不要忘記每年祝溫哥華巨人贏西部冰球聯盟冠軍。
改建後的卑詩體育館於二十十一年九月三十日重新對外開放,首場體育活動為同日舉行的加拿大足球聯賽賽事,由主場的卑詩雄獅隊以三十三比二十四擊敗愛民頓愛斯基摩人隊。
祝你龍年行大運。
恭喜西雅图海鹰直到第四十八屆超級盃最終四十三比八大勝曾拿下兩次超級盃冠軍的丹佛野馬拿下隊史第一個超級盃冠軍。
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