"The Guys' Rules"

[CB123]

I got this sent to me by my cousin, some of them are pretty funny, and I thought all of the guys here would appreciate them lol.

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a FRUIT, not a COLOUR. Pumpkin is also a
FRUIT.
We have no idea what mauve is?

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Now dont bring this up with your wife or you will be sleeping on the couch tonight.

[Superfan]

Always good for a laugh.

[Soundy]

Classics, all.

[Robbie]

Here is a similar list.

------------------------------------
Men's Jargon
The Woman's Guide to what a man really means when he says something.

"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."

"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."

"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."

"What's wrong?" = "I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this."

"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"

"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question."

"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"

"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."

"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!"

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"

"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."

"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."

"I'm going fishing." = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." = Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." = "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late." = "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." = "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." = "Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." = "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." = "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" = "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." = "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." = "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up"

[Robbie]

And for the guys, this is women's English.

-------------------------------
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need... = I want.
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

[CB123]

"I'm going fishing." = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

This one is the best. :lol:

[pinkfreud]

Those are all very funny and very true. I particularly like this one:

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

:lol:

[Robbie]

It's not easy being a GUY!!!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the tough things in life, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework while she works, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, you're a workaholic who never has time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, she's being exploited.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you don't, it's typical male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, you're dominating her because she's a woman.
If she asks you to do something you don't enjoy, it's a favor.

If you show a strong appreciation of the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try hard to keep yourself in shape, you're vain and self-obsessed.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

[pinkfreud]

If you don't tell us this stuff pisses you off, you're not communicating.
If you do, you're whining.

:lol:

Again, these are all very true. Man, I'm almost starting to feel sorry for you guys.

[AC/DC Rocks]

Funny stuff guys. :lol:

[Robbie]

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[CB123]

ahahahahahahhah all of these are priceless!

[Robbie]

Questions commonly asked by women, and frank male responses

Q) Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A) We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. Much in the same way that you adjust your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Q) Why do men say such stupid things?
A) We like to. It's actually a lot of fun to see our partner frustrated and irritated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

Q) Why do men have to act like such wankers?
A) As before, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world these days.

Q) Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
A) We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. Also, most of the time you won't understand or like the answer so it's easier to simply remain quiet and save the energy for more important things.

Q) Why can't men share their feelings with their partner?
A) Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? Unless we are experiencing some extreme emotion like rage or hatred we have no idea how we feel.

Q) Why can't men cuddle more?
A) Evolution. Only women can endure lying around for hours doing nothing. Men are hunters. Starve in cave....Must go find wildebeast.... Now sitting on your ass for hours on end is a totally different story.....

Q) How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A) Men have very powerful ass muscles developed by evolution. They enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times it was necessary to sit in one spot for long periods of time while hunting for prey or avoiding predators. The more successful hunters were the ones that could sit for the longest. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers, lions etc. Evolution means that all men are now born with this innate ability.

Q) Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
A) Men generally believe this to be a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it still works quite well.

Q) Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A) Because it doesn't bother us that much and we know you'll do it anyway.

Q) Why do men have to constantly belch and fart?
A) It's our way of telling you that we're comfortable with you. In addition, better out than in.

Q) Why do men hate shopping?
A) Evolution again. Men hunt for things, women gather. We just want to go out, kill it and bring it back. Women are used to spending hours gathering and are unhappy if they feel they haven't gathered enough to see them through the toughest and bleakest times. This explains the hoarding of shoes.

Q) Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
A) Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is up. This can be determined by calculating the difference between the amount of time spent pissing vs. the amount of time spent *poop*. The closer that ratio gets to one, the truer the propostion. You should appreciate the fact that we bother to lift the seat at all. Why would we care if we piss all over the seat?

Q) Why are men obsessed with beautiful women?
A) As opposed to what? Really ugly women? If men were obsessed by ugly women, there would be just as much *beeotch* about why men are so obsessed with ugly women.

Q) Why do men with partners find other, uglier women attractive (i.e. what do you see in that fat pig?)?
A) Evolution again. Once we get the idea that you are ours, you suddenly lose a few attractiveness points. These are gained by all other women on the planet. Even the ones you wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

[pinkfreud]

Q) Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A) Because it doesn't bother us that much and we know you'll do it anyway.

Q) Why does the old lady never want to have sex anymore?
A) She does, just not with you. Now that you've forced her to pick up after you all the time, she thinks of you as her child and not the sexy hunter gatherer that you see when you look in the mirror.

[Robbie]

Questions about the sexes

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.